My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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