weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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