There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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