When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
