She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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