Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
