I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
