just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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