I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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