WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
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We left the knife in your bed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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