May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
