Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
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I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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