I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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