I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
