Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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