My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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