You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
