I accidentally had phone sex last night
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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