Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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