You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
be right there i have to get my cape
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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