I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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