I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
