I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
