i think i have two assholes
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i drank out of a bidet.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
