someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
