Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
