I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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