If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
