i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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