I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Randomize
