I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
