My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.