Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
