girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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