Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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