nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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