she was so not down for the gang bang
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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