I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
