Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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