hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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