she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
