My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
as a side note pls kill me
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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