When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
vagina is talking i cant
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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