I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
