im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
