If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
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Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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