like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
