Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
