i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
