dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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