the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
