Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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