I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for