Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
