Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
