After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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