i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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