I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
