i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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