We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
